My first Christmas without Nanna

I have to grow up this year.
I have to be strong and independent.
My Nanna is gone,
I lost her this year.
I said "Goodbye" as my male cousins and uncles
carried her down the aisle
of Kyogle Presbyterian Church
and away into eternity with Jesus.

Hallelujah.
I know she is well cared for there,
and loved beyond measure.

But if she were here today,
I'd hold her hand,
even though I'm all grown up.
I'd hold her hand
like she held mine
on my wedding day when she
wanted to remind me that she cared.


I'd try not to waste time
apologising for all those times
when I wasn't around.
I'd remind her of all the wonderful
things she baked in her kitchen,
the stilted songs I played
on her Hammond organ,
the nude watercolour my Grandad painted
that hangs behind the door,
her little Jack Russell Terrier,
the only dog on the farm allowed indoors,...

And I'd tell her stories of our Gracey,
her miraculous great-granddaughter
who makes our days joyful
and our sun shine.
I imagine meeting my Nanna
as a little bundle of joy.
I'm sure my mum was proud
to show me off.
I'm sure Nanna was too.

I can only imagine her joy
as she tucked that pink teddy bear
into my crib,
stroked my bubble-gum cheek,
so fragile and perfect.
I'm sure she gave me her finger
with lovely long nail
and I gripped it tightly,
as only a baby can
until my knuckles were white.

If Nan was here today,
I'd hold her hand.

As good as my writing gets,...

Over the past few months I have been writing articles on Helium. One article I wrote addressed the topic "Is it okay for a woman to shave her face?" For some reason, that topic brought out all the pain and angst of 20 years of PCOS. All the pain and frustration of having to shave my face only moments before Grace was born came rushing back. If you read nothing else I have ever written, please read this article?.

I poured my heart and soul into it. It used to be ranked number 1 on the topic. I can't understand how two short sweet soul-less articles managed to outrank me. One day soon I'll try and leapfrog them,... but in my heart I know that I couldn't do any better than I already have. This is as good as my writing gets,...

[sigh]

Inability to focus = a blurry life

My lack of focus is particularly frustrating lately. I have always flitted from one thing to another in life, Scott will attest to that. But, frankly, I would really love to get one thing right and stick to it and focus on it and make it work. Writing is that one thing and I know it. I always come back to it over and over again,... it's just I get bored with it and find myself attracted to other things. Big projects are too much for me, they're daunting, overwhelming,... that's why I adore writing greeting cards. They're short, sweet, sentimental and pretty - unlike me,... my height is decidedly average and I don't look anywhere as cute as a greeting card,... the only day anyone could ever have accused me of looking pretty was my wedding day and that was because I had a team of stylists 'working on my look'.

[sigh]

I do qualify on the sweet and sentimental aspects, though. When I studied floristry (many moons ago) everyone in the class could always pick my arrangements out of a roomful because mine would be the one with the bow in it. For some reason I could never arrange flowers without placing a bow in there somewhere, just as I can never give a gift without tying it in ribbon. If there's no card, it's naked. These are just standards I place on myself,... I have never expected this from others.

I got on this computer today wanting to pour my heart out and sort out my thoughts. Unfortunately, I'm back to the struggle I have every time I write at the computer and not by hand,.... I get stuck sitting staring at the screen. My ideas come out stilted and awkward. There is no flow. Frankly, the flow is the one thing I love about writing. I find myself sitting there, my breathing slow and relaxed, my mind a thousand miles away, composing words of beauty while my hand and my critical left brain are busy forming letters on the page. It's a strategy to engage the critic, to distract it,.... but typing on the computer doesn't do it for me. For a start, I type fast enough to keep up with most of my thoughts, so my critic doesn't need to sit there telling me to dot my i's and lower case j's. So it interferes with my thought processes and I might as well be standing in front of my grade nine classroom naked, citing Shakespeare and shaking like jelly. This is not the literary escapism I fell in love with about that same time. Ugh.

I'm going to rant to my notebook. If you're lucky you'll read a polished edit of it one day,... but then again, maybe not.

[sigh]

Stupid computer.

No longer a victim of Officeworks

During our recent move from Sunshine Coast to Brisbane we had a very traumatic time trying to find a rental property. The rental market is in crisis in Brisbane and there are zillions of prospective tenants trying to apply for each and every property. We went through two months of concerted effort, searching and attending property inspections, applying and being knocked back until we got to the stage where we had one week to both find somewhere to live and move house. It was super stressful.

But I digress, ....during our application for the unit we eventually got, we ran into Officeworks in a hurry to try and get one A4 page printed from a flash drive. One plain black and white MS Word document. One measly page! And the rude obnoxious Officeworks staffer said "I don't have time to do it, you'll have to pick it up tomorrow."

No, really.... That's exactly what he said.

Anyway, I used to be passionately in love with Officeworks. I'd even contemplated making it my second home. I could just curl up in the corner with the cardboard boxes, make a cosy little bed in the packing popcorn,... And when I wanted to emerge and look successful and powerful, I could go and sit at the Bosses desk in the showroom and put my arms behind my head (as they all do).

Incidentally, who taught them that? Is this a demonstration of masculine power plays at their most primal? Perhaps, like the peacock feather show, this is the human male showing his dominance (and his sweaty armpits) to impress the ladies in the office with his musky scent. Blerk. When I'm in a meeting and I see a man do this I have to stifle a laugh. Go on, strut your stuff, primal man. Ungabung. (Would someone please consult Captain Caveman for the correct spelling please?)

Needless to say, Officeworks has now become a swear word in our home. No more browsing the pen aisle, or softly caressing the DIY Designer Letterhead paper,... No more flicking through empty filofaxes and Day Runners imagining what it would feel like to be organised.

Frankly, Officeworks you big bully, I don't need you! I've discovered the most delicious little online modular organiser application called PocketMod. Have you ever taken a look in your overstuffed handbag to find a diary, a notebook, a Weight Watchers Points tracker, and a shopping list floating around the bottom. PocketMod solves all these problems in an elegant little solution. You can print eight mods (of your choice) on a single page on your printer, and then using their instructions, you can fold it into an eight page mini-book. The mini-book folds with a little pocket to store a business card and the entire book slides easily into your purse, pocket or wallet.

The result of all this tweakability and convenience is a nifty little book that solves a zillion problems, lets you clean out (and lighten your handbag) and throw it all away when you're ready for a revision. There is no leather cover, so you won't feel obliged to hang onto it for a long time. It's one happy little A4/Letter size page,... you could do a new version each day or each week as you need it. I've got mine set up with a week to view diary, a couple of pages of checklists as a To Do list, four pages of food tracking (so I can do my Weight Watchers with discipline) and a shopping list page on the back cover.

With an app like this I need never visit Officeworks ever again! Hahahaha.

A recirculating gravy fountain,...

Now you know why I love reading Instructables - some genius has invented a recirculating gravy fountain. Keep reading and you'll find they have also made a Singapore Sling fountain.

Don't think about the health issues associated this, just read and marvel at this amazing creation.

Mmmmmmmm gravy.

Sunday Afternoon Project: A DIY Light Box for Macro Photography

I haven't really shared this with you guys before, but while we were travelling (see Harris Adventures for that) I discovered a few tricks on my digital camera. In fact, I fell so in love with its macro setting that I would wander the streets of Caloundra/Nambucca Heads/wherever and take loads of snaps of people's flowers.

Since we've been back in Brisbane I've been itching to do some more photography but haven't had much of a chance. Whenever we're driving around I find myself spotting something special and thinking "That would make a great photograph!". I've even been frequenting places like VistaPrint and CafePress and wondering "What could I do with these shots???".

Anyway, today while the Goo was asleep on her afternoon nap, I put together a little Macro Photography Studio using the instructions at Strobist. The lilac flower image and the little yellow duck are shots taken from my little studio. The flower has the whole funky focus thing going on, the flower at the front is in sharp focus while the foliage and bud at the back are slightly blurred. It makes the flower at the front stand out more, almost as if it's floating above the plant. I love that!

As for Ducky, well he's got warm light coming from his left hand side and cool light coming from his right. It was a lesson in lighting for me. I love how Ducky's fur looks in the photo. The camera seems to really pick up the texture of it and the black background makes his white hair stand out more. Cute.

Hope you like my pics. I went a little crazy and took about 80 shots, but I didn't want to post all those here! There are probably four or five out of all the shots that I really like. Thank God for digital cameras, eh? I wouldn't be doing this if I had to cough up for film. As if.

A recent online discovery - Instructables

I have to introduce y'all to Instructables, a great new site I discovered as I was reading all about people who buy Ikea products and hack them into something different. Instructables is basically a technical site with lots of tips on how to wire up cool stuff,... but thrown in are a few pearlers and a bit of useful stuff.

Firstly, here's my favourite Ikea-based instructable - Universal lamp shade polygon building kit. I LOVE these lights in store, but now that I know what shape they're using I can see all kinds of potential for it. Christmas tree baubles, gift wrapping, toys for Grace to play with,...

We have a Christmas tradition where I make everyone a Christmas bauble which involves a game or a puzzle. Sometimes it's a toy wrapped and wrapped in strips of crepe paper (which become streamers when the toy is unwrapped), and like a pass-the-parcel, it has lots of other things to discover along the way. Sometimes the centre's a Kinder Surprise. I usually print jokes, trivia, scriptures and stuff like that on long strips of paper for people to share during Christmas dinner.

Using the polygon shape, I could put all that trivia and stuff on the back of a polygon and give everyone their own colour-coded bundle tied with a ribbon. Then, the challenge could be to build a Christmas bauble using their polygon pieces. It would give them all something nice to hang on the tree. I could see some of my relatives having a great time building interesting shapes. They could use the ribbon to hang their baubles on the tree. Nice!

You could also make your own designer Christmas lights using these instructions. Make smaller polygons and attach them to a string of Christmas fairy lights. No one in your neighbourhood will have a set like yours. (-:



Here's an instructable on how to make longer handles for your baby stroller. This is amazingly useful when you realise that most strollers are too low and hurt your back when you push them for more than ten minutes.


How to kiss! While this is actually painful to read now, I can imagine a time in my teen years when I would have earnestly studied such an article. The thought of watching the video of the guy practising kissing in the mirror just makes me cringe. This is pretty funny.


Here's yet another useful article - How to clean your sinuses using a Neti Pot. This is one of the most useful ways of managing everything nasal, from the average cold through to chronic sinusitus. Scott and I both have one and we use it almost daily. Read it. Use it. But make sure you get pure salt (eg. from a health food store) with no iodine and no anti-caking agent added. The last thing you need is to be absorbing these chemicals through your mucus membranes!

Go and check out Instructables and be inspired. It's worth signing up so that you can print out the instructions. I'm sure you'll find something fun to make this weekend.

PS: Yes, I know this sounds like an ad, but frankly, I'm just enjoying it so much that I had to share it with everyone. No payments (of the cash variety) have been made!

Great foodie sites and Peanut OMG Surprise Cookies

Yeah, I know it sounds stupid to post foodie sites when you're trying to lose weight etc, however these are sites that feature some pretty healthy recipes (in amongst the unctious chocolately gooey stuff).

Fresh for Kids is a site produced by the Sydney Fruit and Vegetable Markets. It has some wonderful and nutritious recipes and not just for kids either. I think there are some that sound awesome. I'm going to try the little sweetcorn and bacon frittatas as soon as I unpack my muffin tray!

The Cook and The Chef is my absolute favourite show on TV at the moment. I love Maggie and Simon. They're lovely and their recipes always sound delicious. I've tried two - Simon's mushroom paste and Maggie's Sticky Banana and French Toast. Both were yummmeee. They also do a background story on one of the ingredients they're using. This is often the most interesting part of the show - I always learn something new.

Ready Steady Cook is one of my favourites. I have a theory: if they can cook five meals in twenty minutes, I can probably cook one. My favourite chefs are Damien Heads, Janelle Bloom and Alastair McLeod. I have taken Janelle's peanut butter cookie recipe and tweaked it sufficiently that it deserves a new name. Here's the recipe:



Peanut OMG Surprise Cookies

Ingredients:

1 cup Kraft Peanut Butter (smooth or crunchie but don't get the reduced salt version! Urk!)
1 cup caster sugar
1 egg
1 tablespoon plain flour (give or take according to consistency of dough)
1 Snickers bar

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 160 degrees.

In a bowl mix peanut butter, caster sugar and egg together with a wooden spoon.

Mixture should form a fairly soft cookie dough, if it's too soft (This can happen if you've used a particularly oily brand of peanut butter) add up to a tablespoon of plain flour.

Chop your Snickers bar in half lengthwise down the centre and then in small slices (around half a centimetre thick).

Roll teaspoons of cookie dough between your hands, poke a hole with your thumb (as you would when making a jam drop) and push a piece of Snickers into the centre of the dough. Push the dough over the Snickers and roll back into a ball.

This mix is enough to make 24 decent-sized cookies. Spread them evenly over two greased/lined cookie trays. Bake one tray at a time in the preheated oven for approximately 17 minutes.

Allow cookies to cool on tray for 5 minutes before removing but don't leave them any longer. The heat of the tray continues the cooking process and you'll end up with burnt bottoms. )-:

The Snickers Bar melts inside the cookie to create a delicious sweet caramelly surprise in the centre. The outside looks plain so it takes people by surprise. These are OMG when eaten warm with vanilla ice cream, but they also keep well. For some reason the lack of flour seems to keep them crisp a lot longer than your traditional peanut butter cookie made with flour.

"Yum Tummy" As my gorgeous little Gracey says while patting her cute little belly.

My new strategy: Exercise

I have given up on diets. I have decided to try another approach. I'm going to exercise once, maybe twice, a day and not worry a toss about the food. Exercise alone can significantly improve insulin resistance at the cell level and when this occurs, hopefully, my eating habits will naturally improve.

Over the years I have struggled with food. I tend to binge when I'm sad. I tend to obsess about food as soon as I sense the deprivation of a diet. I have had some serious counselling about it all and the outcome was that I need to learn to lean towards a particular way of eating, rather than undertake any kind of strict regimes.

Recently, I discovered something about myself. I learned that I am stuck in a breakfast rut of marmalade on toast (with real butter) and that's OK. In fact, if I never have anything else for breakfast ever, it's OK. That was the lesson I learned - it's OK. So I decided that if I can't change my breakfast of champions to some kind of healthier breakfast, I would revel in my marmalade on toast rut and try to tweak it. My tweak involved using a low GI bread like Helga's wholemeal wholegrain bread. Occasionally my marmalade toast treat is supplemented by an apple or a tub of yoghurt. I don't feel bad about this. There's nothing wrong with toast,... it's just that it's a meal that is entirely based on carbs. Not so good.

We'll see how the exercise thing pans out.

How to stay focused

This is what I was looking for when I found the article on how to be a happier mum. Yes, I got distracted,... but this is a good simple article on how to focus on something enough to see it through to completion.

Now I just need something to help me with those distracting thoughts.

My old blog, Destination Digest, is still online

If you have the strange desire to catch up on my back story, go to http://destinationdigest.tripod.com. I was surprised to find it still online. I haven't logged on to tripod in many many years. I wouldn't have a clue what my password is or even how to get it updated. But my old blog remains there like an old friend, a reminder of all the angst and struggle of infertility and missing my wonderful friends (and great times) in Melbourne.

Check it out some time. Marvel at how far I've come,... cry with me on my tragic pursuit of motherhood. Rejoice now, as I do (when I'm not moping) in being a mum and all of its joys and challenges.

This afternoon my daughter told me I was mean because I wouldn't let her eat chocolate for lunch. It cut me to the core. She got heaps of chocolate for dessert after she ate her lunch of reheated mince and vegies. I gave more than she really should have because I didn't want her to think I was mean. She's called me mean a couple of times lately. I'm surprised how much it hurts me. She says "love you" to Scott before bed, but she doesn't tell me that. I just get told I'm mean. It hurts.

I know she loves me. I'm the one she clings to for cuddles and safety,... I just don't want to be called "mean".

[sigh]

Tired of the plod?

I love being a mum. I love motherhood,... but sometimes my mood is pretty low. Dangerously low. It does turn into a plod more often than not. Today it's freezing cold, we're housebound because of the pooring rain. We don't have a car so we can't go and try and find something interesting to do. After weeks of rain, I'm over this. I'm pretty sure Grace is over it too. Let's go watch Play School. [sigh]

I found a great article about how to be a happier mum - http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/parenting/02/15/par.happier.mom/index.html. It's worth a read if you're struggling to find the joy in the day to day trials of toddler taming.

I should be writing.

Despite the fact that my mantra is "I should be writing", I have been enjoying a few craft projects lately. In fact, I am enjoying them far too much. I've been having a wonderful time constructing a couple of things out of paper mache - a tray (cross between a serving tray and a document tray) which I'm considering finishing with decoupage, and a floral motif copied from my doona cover.

Yesterday, though, I started work on a latch hook rug made from recycled plastic bags. Here's where I got my inspiration from: http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf32710164.tip.html. A few weeks ago I read about bags crocheted from old shopping bags. These bags (http://www.myrecycledbags.com/) are great, but I can not crochet. In fact, crochet fills me with almost as much rage as sewing. That's a lot. Latch hooking, on the other hand, is suitably simple and forgiving and beautiful for a klutz like me.

I have plans, after I've finished the recycled plastic doormat, to get some rag bags from the Salvation Army Op Shop and make a rug out of fabric scraps. I decided that I'm going to dye all the rags red, no matter what colour they are to start with. That way the blues will be reddy purple, the yellows will become orange, the greens will go reddy brown. In the end it will be like these people who get blonde foil highlights and then put a tint over their whole head. Despite the fact that their hair is various different colours, the tint over the top ties it all together in the end.

Several Christian and secular teachers discuss the concept of separation of self. In A More Excellent Way (http://www.themoreexcellentway.com/), Pastor Henry Wright says the root of all disease is caused by separation from God, separation from others or separation from self. Separation of self is not being true to yourself and who you are. Frankly, I've lived my entire life like this. I'm still working at finding out who I am. I've been living for someone else's expectations since I was tiny,... that's what I understood as being a good girl. I understood it to be swallowing any desires of my own, quashing my feelings and doing as I was told. As an adult this developed into trying to second guess people, anticipating what I thought they wanted me to say and saying it.

The real shame of it is that I never developed the ability to adequately communicate myself or who I am. That's why I became a writer. It's the only place where I can be true to myself. I can say what I think or feel, and if I think someone else won't like it then I don't show them what I've written. It's therapeutic to say what I feel, to say what I need to say. It's about pulling myself together. Yes, I self medicate with junk food, but I also self medicate with writing. At least that's a slightly healthier pursuit.


A little message from Grace.
ruyhdhgfdyfvhv ijhtle yg7

Followed by "eeee-oooohh eeee-oooohh eeee-oooohh". She's just recently learned the sound that a fire engine makes. Cool.

Two years since Grace arrived.

Grace recently celebrated her second birthday and it got me thinking about everything that happened around her arrival. Of course, there was the eight years of fertility treatment,... but there was also a very traumatic pregnancy. I spent the first four months of it horizontal in order to allow progesterone pessaries to be absorbed by the placenta. I spent the next four and a bit months injecting myself with insulin four times a day. But as we celebrate Grace's second birthday, it's the saga of her arrival that makes me shudder. I am reposting the original entry from my old blog that I posted a few days after arriving home from hospital.

The Saga

We were all set to have a planned caesarean on Tuesday 16 August. On Thursday, 11 August I met with Dr Molloy for my last appointment before delivery. He gave me final instructions, checked some blood tests etc. I had a hypo on Wednesday, and then another one again on Thursday morning before the appointment. Dr Molloy told me if I had another hypo (extremely low blood sugar level) to call him as they are an indication that the placenta is failing. Despite eating after I left his office, my blood sugar dropped from 6.9 to 2.9 in less than half an hour. It was frightening because I felt the sudden drop in blood sugar as a kind of light headed dizziness and nearly drove off the road.

I sat in McDonald's carpark sucking spoonfuls of honey and freaking out. When I rang Dr Molloy he told me to drop everything and go to hospital where he would meet me and do an emergency caesar. It was amazingly quick. Eating honey didn't interfere with the anaesthetic and within an hour I was on the operating table having my baby delivered.

The whole process was quite surreal and it happened so quickly that I didn't have time to panic. I had a spinal block and the drugs they gave me for it were very happy drugs and the fourteen+ people in theatre were all talking to me constantly. I felt like I was just having a big chat.

Scott and I were pleasantly surprised to find out we had a baby girl. She was so sweet that I did fall in love with her instantly. I know some mothers/fathers had warned me I might not love them immediately,... but they're full of crap. I loved Grace absolutely from the first moment I heard her gorgeous little baby voice.

She was born at 37 weeks. Because she was very small (2.6kg or 5 pounds 11 ounces) and just a little early, she needed to spend time in the special care nursery. Grace was in a humidicrib for the first 24 hours, and she was fed through a gavage tube (down the nose into the stomach) for the first three or four days.

We spent a week in hospital, which is a bit longer than normal. That was mainly to give Grace longer to get a handle on feeding etc. It also helped me because I started to develop an infection in my stomach. I had (and continue to have) constant fevers/shivers caused by fluid pooling in my stomach. I have been put on antibiotics, but I have to just put up with the pain and inconvenience of having this fluid pooling in my stomach and draining through my caesar wound until it is completely drained in two or three weeks.

Basically, I am tired and overwhelmed from the entire process and I apologise to all those people who I promised would receive baby photos before now. Unfortunately, the emergency nature of the caesar meant that Scott had to manage his work at Mincom and Harris R/C as well as being at the hospital for me and doing all my washing etc. All the emails got done in a terrible rush when he had the chance to send them, and I'm only now replying to them all.

Books I'm reading,...

I'm currently reading "Riding the bus with my sister: a true life journey" by Rachel Simon. I'm enjoying it so far, but I won't recommend it either way until I've finished reading. I once did that and got caught out. I started reading "The Bride Stripped Bare" by Nikki Gemmel and I got completely caught up in the feminine beauty and sweetness of the first part of the story. I began raving about it to my friend Audrey and, of course, she wanted to read my copy as soon as I finished it. The problem was, the second half of the book was creepy and hideous, verging on offensive. I began to apologise to Audrey and tell her I'd been a little premature in my praise, but by then her mind was made up and she wanted to read it. I forced myself to read the second half - gagging all the while - and then passed it on to her. We both thought the book sucked because the second half read like it had been thumb-tacked onto the front half of someone else's novel. Strange.

This is not the first time I've noticed an ending that reads as if it were stuck on the end of a book. "Journey to the stone country" by Alex Miller is the same**. It's as if an editor said to the writer "You've missed out on a plot point here, it needs an ending" and the writer has cooked up some irrelevant garb to keep the editor happy. Frankly, I imagine the author probably thought the ending was quite adequate without the tacked on bit. You don't always need endings spelled out for you. Sometimes it's good to leave the (happy or otherwise) ending as implied. [sigh] I don't pretend to be an expert,... I'm usually quite supportive when I read a book, I love to go along with the author and believe everything they tell me in the interests of having a lovely read,... but sometimes I just want to ring up the publisher and rant. Not that they'd listen to me. Not that the receptionist would even put my call through. I know, I know. I used to be that cute little receptionist protecting my boss from all manner of nutcases.'

**Yes, I know this book won the Miles Franklin Award. What would I know about decent book endings? I just read the things!

Some of you will be wondering where all my past history has gone. I began blogging way back in 1998. Every now and then I wipe my slate clean and start again. I did this recently by using blogger instead of a web-hosting box we were using in the States. Blogger was a more useful option while we were travelling and now I prefer it because I don't need to bother about with HTML codes etc.

[sigh]

Once upon a time I was interested in technology, amazed by it. These days it's burdensome and confusing. Every time my mobile phone dies and I have to learn a new one, I'm annoyed. Currently, I have a very pretty pink phone that does lots of things,... but it is missing some of the most useful functions of my old phone. There is no key lock, for example. Grace can just plonk away at the keypad and ring Siberia for all I know.

Anyway, if you are here wandering around looking for my article on Deb Conway, I will repost it shortly. In the mean time, I discovered an old stash of poems I wrote in 2002 and I was moved by their emotion. I'm posting one here for your reading pleasure.

Dear Father,

Your son seeks your approval.
There’s nothing else
necessary.

In order to gain it
He will lie
He will reject
himself
He will pretend
He will strive
He will deny vital aspects of
his character
He will try cheap imitations.

There’s nothing he’d
rather have.

I used to be able to come and sit at your feet.
My
world was only as big as the arms length up to your lap.
There I was warm,
safe, loved, accepted.
My tiny world was complete.

Now you’re
gone
I’m alone with my black heart.
Hollow people speak lies about
acceptance and love.
I’m cold.
I annoy people.

I’ll do
anything you want
Just to have you back.
I lie to myself and then to
others.
I fear your frown.
I pretend,
I strive, someday I’ll get
there.

I am a suitcase which my soul carries
around.

Would you mind if I apologise for my existence?
I do
appear to be taking up valuable air space.
If we were on a sinking ship,
I’d be the first to jump off with the cargo.
Perhaps even
before.

I would give up my life if it would make you think more of
me.
My life is so obviously unimportant
Let me wait
While your life
goes on
I’m hoping mine will
Grow in importance later on.

Reflecting on the Protest Art Adventure

There is something incredibly delicious about doing something a little rebellious. Although my heart was pounding with fear as I carried out my Protest Art mission, there was something wonderful about it. I could feel so many emotions that you just don't feel in your ordinary daily life.

It was a good thing. I think it's worth pushing ourselves once in a while to do something a little scary. Some people encourage you to do something that scares you every day,... I'm a bit softer,... just scare yourself every once in a while.

Oh, and speaking out against stupid double standards is a good way to scare yourself too.

WARNING: SUPER SPIRRO - Writing at the gates of Heaven

Dear Heavenly Father,

I praise your Holy and awesome name. I pray that while I am here on earth, there would be an angel in Heaven, constantly setting my praises before you. Let them be like a candle that never burns out, or incense that is pleasant to your nose. Perhaps you would prefer the smell of a smokey BBQ? I remember reading once that you love the smell of burning fat on the altar. The bitter spices meld with the meat of the Lamb and then the fat burns and, I imagine, you share our fascination with the BBQ.

Praise your Holy Name, Lord God, from the rising of the sun to the setting of the sun. When the day is new, cold and fresh as a pair of underpants in my top drawer, I'll praise your mighty Name. When the sun is high and I'm craving chips and gravy or KFC, I'll praise your kind name. When the shadows are stretching and the mince has thawed, I'll lift up my voice to you. My God, My King, Lord of Heaven and Earth. I am grateful for your presence in my life. Overjoyed, that you found me as such a young child. What a joy that you've been with me all along. But it is more joy to know you as my friend. It is a joy to know you and trust you and think about who you really are. I admit, I have much to learn. There are many books, chapters and verses of my Bible that remain unread,... but the ones I have read just keep on giving. Their meaning is deep, hidden in the depth of the Holy Spirit's revelations, coloured by the events of life, pushed deeper into the soil of my soul by faith.

Lord God, I would like to climb up and sit on your lap. I was hoping you would let me sit there. Perhaps I'll get a chance for a cuddle and to lick your nose. I'll crawl and jump and eventually, with a little help, I'll make it onto your lap. I love you, My King, Prince of Earth, King of Heaven, Almighty Counsellor, Lord of Lords. From 6:30am to 11:59pm I will praise you. In the dreamscapes of the night I will shout your name. You are always on my mind. You are always in my heart. Before you, Oh Lord, I bow. To you alone do I lift up my heart. You are my treasure.

Amen & Hallelujah.

Introducing myself,....

:Hi,

I'm Anna. I'm a little self absorbed, that's probably why I like blogging so much. I am a mummy now. I can say that after eight years of TTC. Eight years of praying, begging, being poked and prodded and dyed and injected. When my daughter Grace calls me mum, I still get choked up. I really earned that title.

When I was in high school, I used to pass notes with a couple of friends (Hi Buzzy & Tatum) who were in different classes to me. We played sport together once a week and the rest of the time we just passed notes in the hallways as we went to class. Often, the notes were just lists of things, but we got to know each other pretty well through those lists.

Here's a list of things I love:

The fizz in Coke Zero
Sleeping on 100% cotton sheets
Writing
Watching the West Wing
Cooking a new recipe
Collage
Magic clips (also known as Nalclips)
Ice cubes
Lemons
A good pen

Stay tuned for a list of things I hate.