Excuse me if my blog has no consistency of theme.

I know my blog is not a cookery blog, but it does have the odd foodie post. It is not a faith blog but it also has spiritual stuff along the way. It is not crafty, nor is it social commentary. In fact, just like myself, I don't know what the hell my blog is all about.

It was this stage in my last phase of IVF that the hormones had so tripped with my head that I became convinced that I had adult ADHD. I'm going through it all again. In fact, reading this article: Adult ADHD: 50 Tips on Management
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D. just reduced me to tears. My darling husband, who is a trained counsellor, has kindly pointed out to me that I do not have ADHD and that it is a complicated diagnosis,... however I personally think that I sit somewhere down that end of the spectrum and I do struggle with the big ADHD issues of impulsivity, inattentiveness, distraction and their related complications (and negative impacts on the self-esteem).

The line from that article that really got me was:

"Don't feel chained to conventional careers or conventional ways of coping. Give yourself permission to be yourself. Give up trying to be the person you always thought you should be--the model student or the organized executive, for example--and let yourself be who you are."

Let yourself be who you are. I want to weep. Let yourself be who you are. How long have I struggled to fit into everyone else's mold? It seems my entire life has been about trying to fit into society, as if it were an ill-fitting pair of non-stretch jeans and doing that button up at the top made me feel like I wanted to throw up.

Let yourself be who you are.

Frankly, I wouldn't have a clue who I am and it seems like an important task to try and find out.

[sigh]

Pimp Your Undies!

Fat chicks of the world UNITE!!!! Don't let the fashion industry tell you what undies you can and cannot wear. Thumb your nose at the prima donnas who tell you that fat chicks can't wear anything but beige cottontails.

OK, so they might be comfortable and practical and available in plus sizes,... but Cottontails come in about three pastel shades, a nasty shade of beige that looks like you washed your whites in with Dad's work socks, and occasionally they do a really tragic floral pattern in an insipid mint-green and white design.

In frustration, I tried some Rio undies. Full marks to them for their "Sexy at any size" range. My purple spotty undies definitely do make me feel like dancing. BUT, and there is a BUTT, they seem a little fond of - ahem - moving out of their preferred position. So, I have returned to comfy old cottontails,...

But this time I know better. Last night, Grace and I pimped my undies. Now my cottontails are scarlet red. Nice,... and liberating.

An horticultural-type with a sense of humour.

Had to store this link somewhere safe so this is the place: Plants are the Strangest People

I was bumbling my way through google trying to work out how to propagate some more Zanzibar Gem for my patio when I found this. I was surprised to find an horticultural-type with a sense of humour and thought, this must be treasured. Since losing my beloved Peter Cundall, my garden has suffered. It has only been watered once every week or so,.... the last time I fertilized was maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago,... Grace pulled all my tiny green tomatoes off the bush. All this has merely added to my garden rejection.

Until now. Now that I have found this blog,.... my gardening joy has returned a little. I will propagate those tiny Zanzibar Gem plants. Oh yes,.... I will.

Grace Catherine Harris - Miracle Girl

"Every new born child is a miracle, but for a thousand reasons Grace Catherine Harris is more miraculous than most. Her journey from the ether to life has been longer and harder fought than most. While she lay frozen in a test tube, I lay frozen in a hospital bed. We were both in a stupor of sorts, mine was induced by the same hormones that brought her to life. I had Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS), a condition that affects roughly one in twelve women who have IVF.

In actual fact, OHSS affects every woman that has IVF. Every IVF patient experiences the symptoms to some degree, but for the most part they are only a passing discomfort. The process of superovulation, or producing as many ripe follicles as possible, is a fine balance between not producing enough and producing far too many. OHSS occurs when the patient is either far too sensitive, or the dose of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) far too high and as a result far too many follicles are produced. For me, it was probably a little of both. After three or four days of extreme nausea and bloating, I could no longer even drink water. All the fluids in my body were floating in between cells and circulatory systems. My stomach was stretched so much that the skin hurt, and my lungs were full and squishing with this mystery fluid.

That's one week of the eight year journey that my husband and I went on to conceive our little daughter, Grace. But that's history now. "

*Reposted from my old blog which no longer exists.

The post script to this entry is that after a very traumatic IVF experience, many embryos were frozen and stored for us in November 2004. Grace was one of the first two thawed. Now, in August 2008, we are trying again. In 15 - 18 days time, one of those embryos will be thawed out and carefully placed in my (artifically prepared) womb. Once again, we will be asking God for a miracle. It's far easier to believe for it, though, when you've seen God do an amazing miracle already.

Feeling disheartened,...

Lately I've been feeling crushed under the weight of obligations and expectations of the things God has spoken over my life. There are hopes and dreams that seem no closer today than they were ten or even twenty years ago when they first burned in my heart. I was feeling inadequate and useless,... feeling like I'd achieved nothing. It makes me sad how the devil robs us of our joy, even when we are in the place God wants us to be.

God was gentle with me once again. He reminded me that I was His child and He loves me. He showed me how silly it would be if Grace tried to reach for something too high for her. She'd be grunting, groaning, straining, frustrated and putting herself in danger of falling.

"No, darling." I'd tell her.

"Let Mummy get it for you," I'd say. Duly chastised. Duly relieved. My heart, once again, sinks into the peace only God can give.

On Sunday (last), our Pastor, Ian Hussey, explained the concept of riding on eagle's wings. When a baby eagle gets to a certain stage, their mother pushes them out of their nest. They either flap their wings and learn to fly or they fall. The mother eagle watches them carefully and, as they fall or tire, she flies below them, catches them on her back and safely returns them to the nest. (See Exodus 19:4 and Deuteronomy 32:11)

That, to me, sounds more secure and comforting than having a net like acrobats have,... because not only am I being carefully supervised, but when I even start to look like falling, I am scooped up for a big hug from mum. That gives me the courage to try and keep on trying.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong.

Yes! Jesus loves me!
Yes! Jesus loves me!
Yes! Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

"You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself." Exodus 19:4

Non Scale Victory

Sometimes when people are trying to lose weight, it helps to measure weight loss by things other than the scales or tape measure. The scales can become a real source of torment and obsession when you're trying so hard to lose weight. So, I was encouraged this week in my weight loss journey when I discovered I had won a non scale victory.

To explain:
About a month ago, Scott and I bought a WiiFit. I've managed to do workouts roughly twice a week, if not more. A busy week or two has meant that I haven't had a chance to workout for eight days. I knew I had put on a bit of weight. I was stressed, busy and comfort eating. Motivation to work out was hard to find. [sigh]

On Monday, though, I pulled a toy hula hoop from the cupboard at Grace's playgroup. Grace and I had a little hula-hula and I surprised myself. I was able to hula properly for a good six or seven spins. It doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it's something I have never been able to do. Not even when I was a kid.

I realised, after several repeat performances on the hula hoop, that my stomach muscles are getting stronger now. This is a skill I have learned through all my virtual hula hooping on the Wii balance board. This is one of the first good things I have done for my body in years. This is something I can be proud of, a real achievement based on my workouts.

I feel motivated to keep trying. I even walked past a piece of cheesecake without eating it today. This is a real non-scale victory.

Cafepress Update (Including sympathy poem)

I recently created an online store using Cafepress. It's called "AnnaHarris.com Online Store". At the moment it only contains a couple of designs. They will be added as I get the opportunity. I only have one design per product item. If you like a design (eg. on a greeting card) but want to buy it on a different item (eg. mini poster or framed print) then feel free to drop me a line: anna at annaharris dot com and I'll do my darnedest to make it happen for you.

Designs currently on the site are:

A Birthday Card 10 pack of "Happy Hip Hop Birthday" cards. This is a pretty funky graffiti-style design. The inside says "It's your day. Bust a move."

There's a cute little teddy bear wearing a t-shirt with another one of my poems on it. The poem is called "God is like a teddy bear". It's been valuable in helping people understand something about who God is and how he loves. Perhaps you might like to share a bear with a friend and help them find out about God's love.

"God is like a teddy bear with a conscience
He listens to everything you say
He tells you the right thing to do
And still loves you after you do the opposite."


And finally (for now) there is a very powerful sympathy card, complete with a lovely image of a white hydrangea. I adore that image. I adore the poem. It's about losing your one true love and dealing with laying them to rest. Here is the poem:

The grass is yet to grow back
in the place where they buried you.
There is only dirt
and wilted flowers.
The remnants of my last visit.

I don't wan't grass anyway.
That would be a lie,
As if everything was normal.
As if you were laid to rest.
As if you and I were at peace.

They buried my heart with you,
My Darling, My love.
They left pieces exposed
like rocks in the dirt.

No grass can grow there,
Until leaves fall
and tears fall,
to nourish the earth.

Tears.
Tears. Tears.
I have been hurt.
The realisation that I will never
hold you,
never touch you,
never hear you laugh.
How can I ever let go?
Tears rain down now,
upon your grave.
Preparing the soil for my new life,
without you.

The grass must grow back again.
The sun must shine again.
Rest in Glory.
Rest in Peace.
Rest in Love.


I have great plans for this CafePress store. I have so many ideas for greeting cards, posters, gifts and t-shirts. In fact, I have so many ideas that it makes my head ache. I'm stressed about my somewhat limited artistic skills. I'm a writer, not a fighter. Oh, I mean an artist.

Over time I'll be building up my collection of available designs. My goal is to upgrade to a Premium store and make this little baby into an earner! Stay tuned for more updates.

[sigh] Wish me well, folks. And go there and buy my stuff. Please.